I've been thinking alot about Love lately. What does it mean? How does it find you? How will you know it's Love? An even better question, Why does it end? Looking back on the relationships of people that I know, I think I've witnessed some of the poorest examples of Love. I've seen people use their relationship as a crutch and a dependacy. I've seen people make the same mistakes over and over again, yet the relationship continues and nothing changes. I've even witnessed Conditional Love, the poorest example of all. With so many screwy relationships in front of my eyes, how can I know a wrong relationship from the real thing?
So many people are willing to settle for what they have now versus putting an end to it and moving forward. Moving Forward: Now there's a concept. Why can't people just move forward? Forget the past, let go and move on. I suppose it's the fear of the unknown that keeps them in these Loveless relationships. They would rather drowned in unhappiness and heartache then get out of the relationship and be alone.
Perhaps it is hypocritical of me to say these things being that I myself, have yet to be in a real relationship. However, I honestly feel that the relationships I have witnessed are unhealthy and wrong. I feel that from these three kinds of relationships, I've learned how Not to be. But as I sit here listening to my mother cry, I realize that it's hard to find strength withing yourself. That alone is a journey that is never ending and one that will follow all of us forever. Maybe that is the answer to why these Loveless relationships exist and why people continue to stay in them.
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"Moving forward", what a concept indeed. In my case an illusion almost, a daily struggle. Who i am and how I am today is a totally different person than she knows me to be. What's worse? Unconditional love for her came after the fact, terrible i know. How is it possible? Guess that good old cliché says it all. "you don't know what you have until you don't have it anymore". Moving forward for me is difficult not because i am afraid of who life may bring next or what it may lead to, but because i know who I was to that person and i am filled with remorse. Though the 4-5 year investment was a great experience and a lesson well lived and learned, I cant help but to feel guilty when I do for another woman what I never did for her. When I treat another woman how I've never treated her, while she sits in her living room wondering if the last four to five years of her life was an error. While she's filled with anger and pain because i shattered all Our dreams, all Our goals; Our future. When nothing I can say can change things even though the person she knows me to be is Dead and Gone. I've found myself attracted to one person or another, yet I'm not capable of bringing myself to anything more than friendship. It's almost punishment, to know that today i am a better person because of the experiences I shared with her and because of who she was to me, yet i am not able to show her. Not being able to reciprocate the love and devotion she extended to me, well, i can't even begin to describe the negative feeling. I guess what torments me the most is that today I am who I should've been, but a day too late. So how do I move on? Now that I Feel i am ready for everything I wasn't then, now that I want everything i didn't want then, how do I move on? With Who? To invest another four or five years of my life with someone who in the long run may not be ready for the things I am ready for, with someone who will eventually feel like there's more she needs to experience? With someone who cheats in fear of being cheated on first? To someone whose priorities are clubbing and getting drunk every weekend? Maybe your right, maybe it is fear. Fear that karma will give me a dose of my own medicine on top of the self incorporated mental torment. "Love", now there's a concept.
Your story reminds me very much of another couple who is very close to my heart. The girl in my story feels excatlly the same as the girl you described: broken, pained, wondering if everything she invested was for nothing. I can only hope that the man in my story will someday feel the way you do now. I am truly sorry for the remorse in which you feel but I must tell you, knowing that a person is capable of repenting in such a way as you have done gives me hope that maybe she may find some form of peace within herself somewhere down the road. Maybe she can look back on that experience and smile because she experienced love. Whether how deep of a love is uncertain and will always remain so because as I am learning, love comes in many forms. But I must believe that both women went through these expereinces for a reason. To grow, to live, and even to love. The pain that creeps into everyone's heart who was or is involved is an uncomfortable chapter in our life that we must learn to over come. Perhaps that is why it is often difficult to move forward. It is uncomfortable to let go of something you have held onto for so long. It is uncomfortable to know life without it.
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