Naive at it's Best

I dream of a whirl wind romance and I live in a fantasy land. No matter how naive this may sound, I no longer care. I'm ready for my one true love, I'm ready to be swept off my feet, I'm ready for the epic love of my life. So, if it never comes...who cares, the fantasy is enough for me at this very moment. However, no matter what people tell me about love I still believe in my heart that everything I feel will unfold. I will have the whirl wind romance, I will have the epic love of my life. Why? because I know that I'm meant for more and I believe I will find it when I take the next step in my journey.

The Light Bulb Just Went Off

I can't believe I'm actually admitting this, but I have these two guy friends and every time I hang out with them I think to myself, "I wonder if we'll ever get married, I wonder if he's the one." I saw one of these guys recently and I realized something, I think I imagine what it would be like to be with them in a serious relationship because so many people have pushed the idea of being in a relationship with them. Every time I'm with one of them, my friends come up to me and tell me how great we would be together, how we should start dating, they think he likes me ect. The whole thing is just funny to me. The truth is, I would be lucky to be in a relationship with either one of those guys but I think the only reason why I've imagined it is because everyone else has imagined it for me.
Sometimes I think my friends just want me to be in a relationship with whoever. It doesn't matter if I'm attracted to him just as long as I have someone. There's always some guy a friend of mine is trying to push me into, someone always has someone for me to meet. Really, how often do those things work out? So far, their attempts have been unsuccessful.
Don't get me wrong, I'm fortunate that my friends care so much about me and want to see me happy. Sometimes it just feels like their more involved in my life than I am. That's actually kinda funny to think about.
You know what, now that I've taken five minutes to think about that statement, I'm pretty damn lucky. So to all my friends, keep it up. Keep getting involed in my life and asking how I'm doing. Keep forcing me to open up and let out my frustrations. Keep finding people to introduce me to and keep reminding me that after we hangout, how fortunate I am to have you. Because I am.

Jump

People will always remain a mystery to me. I can never guess what someone is thinking and sometimes it's impossible for me to get any kind of reading off them to determine how they feel. Why can't we all just be forward and honest with our feelings? I know it's hard to put yourself out there but sometimes you just gotta jump in the pool. Sure the water is cold but only for a brief moment.

Jump in the pool people. You'll feel proud afterwards.

A Sense of Self

Tonight I'm thinking a lot about the path to self-discovery. How do you get there? How does one define who they are? Really, how can someone know who they truly are because aren't we always changing as individuals? The things we like and dislike change, our sense of style, taste in music, sometimes even our choice in friends. But perhaps these are just simple things that tell others a little bit about ourselves. Perhaps these small things are just a glimpse of our true identities rather than the big picture.

I may feel like sometimes, I don't know who I am. But I can tell you one thing, I know who I want to be. I want to be an inspiration. I want to be a leader. I want to accomplish the tasks that others tell me are impossible. Most importantly, I want to love who I AM. To be proud of who I AM. To honor who I AM.

ME.

The path to self-discovery isn't paved in the amount of accomplishments you have or the types of people you surround yourself with. It's in the choices you make that directly impact yourself and the people you love. The sacrifices you make for those loved ones and the dreams that you share. It's in the things that you do everyday, every moment and allowing the good to shine through. I always hear people say, "Take the good with the bad." I think it's so much harder to take the good. It's hard to let people help you and sometimes it's even hard to let people love you. To open yourself up to goodness and allow yourself to lean on someone can be the hardest step you may ever have to take. Mostly, because it's easy to be angry. It's easy to mad at the world and blame someone else for why things are happening in your life. It's easy to accept that things are not fair and throw yourself a pity party. What's hard is accepting the fact that sometimes, there's nothing and no one to place blame or your anger. Hard, is opening yourself up to goodness and allowing the opportunity for something wonderful to happen in your life. Hard, is accepting the compliments people give you and believing that there true.

I want to open myself up to goodness. I want to allow the good in me to shine through and hopefully that will lead me down my path to further discover who I AM. Like I said, I may not have a strong sense of self just yet, but I know who I want to be. It's just a matter of getting there.

History In The Making

Today, I was apart of history. I contributed to an event that will change this country for good or for bad. That's right, I voted in the 2008 Presidential Election for the first time and I'm damn proud. I voted for the leader I believe in, the one who I feel knows this country and has the experience needed to succeed. I voted for John McCain and I put country first. This election was indeed history in the making. We have the first woman VP nomination and the first African American candidate. Both of whom have shown the american people that hard work does pay off and anything can be achieved with sacrafice. I am proud that I fufilled my patriotic duty to myself and to my country. This day, the 4th of Nov. goes down in the record books as one of the most important days in my life.

This is my little "I Voted" sticker.

Love...

I've been thinking alot about Love lately. What does it mean? How does it find you? How will you know it's Love? An even better question, Why does it end? Looking back on the relationships of people that I know, I think I've witnessed some of the poorest examples of Love. I've seen people use their relationship as a crutch and a dependacy. I've seen people make the same mistakes over and over again, yet the relationship continues and nothing changes. I've even witnessed Conditional Love, the poorest example of all. With so many screwy relationships in front of my eyes, how can I know a wrong relationship from the real thing?

So many people are willing to settle for what they have now versus putting an end to it and moving forward. Moving Forward: Now there's a concept. Why can't people just move forward? Forget the past, let go and move on. I suppose it's the fear of the unknown that keeps them in these Loveless relationships. They would rather drowned in unhappiness and heartache then get out of the relationship and be alone.

Perhaps it is hypocritical of me to say these things being that I myself, have yet to be in a real relationship. However, I honestly feel that the relationships I have witnessed are unhealthy and wrong. I feel that from these three kinds of relationships, I've learned how Not to be. But as I sit here listening to my mother cry, I realize that it's hard to find strength withing yourself. That alone is a journey that is never ending and one that will follow all of us forever. Maybe that is the answer to why these Loveless relationships exist and why people continue to stay in them.

The Picture of People

People are a strange breed. We're all so different and yet so similar. We all want the same things really. We want to be loved, liked, appreciated, respected...so how can we share so many of the same humanistic qualities, and think so differently? How can we be so close yet so far from eachother? How come I see it my way and you see it your way? It's funny how two people can be so different and get along so well. I have a friend like that. If you looked at him and then proceeded to look at me, you would never expect us to be friends. But yet, we are. We get along swimmingly and I have so much love and respect, even faith in him. He's one of my best friends and I'm proud to call him so.
I'm glad that people are different, it's what makes this world such a unique setting. Thus, making our lives a bit more colorful. It's just strange to me how things fall into place sometimes. How people meet, how relationships start from nothing and grow into something that lasts forever. How that first glance into someones eyes can change your life forever. I've been fortunate enough to have that experience. But what happens when the feelings aren't returned? Are you destined to love and faun over that one person forever? that one person who you mean absolutely nothing to? If this is the case, I have to ask, is it worth it? From where I'm sitting right now I would say no.

Beautiful Lies

I wrote this a while ago but it's still pretty important to me.


Sept. 21,2008

Does being beautiful result in being alone?
What can it really get a person other then jealousy from others, or intimidation? Even if your the nicest person in the world, and good to all of your friends and family members, people will still look past that and see you as something your not.
Either the one you want is too afraid to approach you or only wants you for one thing. Why does it have to be a double edge sword? Why can't there just be appreciation for beauty in it's purest form? When did lust out weigh beauty and why is it so unapproachable?
For example, I know someone who is very attractive and when I looked at him for the first time I thought to myself, he is too beautiful and he must not be a good person because of how gorgeous he is. I instantly judged him because of his appeal and it made me think, why do I instantly jump the gun and assume he has a crappy personality because of his good looks? Why does being an attractive person mean that he is jaded and only interested in being around others who are just like him? (looks wise).
Maybe none of this makes sense but I feel that there is some price to pay for being beautiful and dispite what so many think, it's not an easy path to lead.

The Begining.

A friend of mine suggested to me lastnight (10/17/08) that I start a blog. Since I want to be a writer, it seemed like a good idea. I figured this could serve as an outlet that will allow me to express myself and release some unwanted tension. I've been through a lot this past year and I've discovered I have more things to say than I thought. It's time I let it out. Who knows, maybe even a few of those skeletons will come out of the closet with it. Maybe some I never even knew I had.
Some of my friends know my situation. Others know it, but not in detail. One thing I've learned about myself is that it's not easy for me to be completely open and honest about the things that I have to deal with. Even with a friend I've known for years, that I know I could say anything to. I've had to ask myself a few times, "Why is that ?"
I think there is a small part of me that is afraid of judgement. That someone will see I don't have it all figured out like I tend to think I do. There's also the realization that if I do speak up, those problems have now become real and I've also learned this past year that denial is a very comfortable place. But even so, I can't forget what this year has taught me and all the things I've learned about my family. Things that I never even knew existed, let alone where problems.
If anyone does choose to read this, may you take it for what it's worth. This is purely for my benefit. However, I can't deny that there's a part of me that hopes I can inspire someone in the process. That my words can be your strength, my emotions can be your enlightenment, my struggles can become your testament that you are stronger than you think.
My one true goal in life has always been to be able to affect someones life in a positive way. The way my life has been affected and influenced my so many of my friends.
To my friends: I would be lost without.